I came across an interesting article in FoxNews.com called, “Survivor tells of life inside a North Korea concentration camp.” I am ashamed to say that my knowledge of Korea is woefully insignificant. I had no idea they had concentration camps, let alone what a “gulag” is. According to the article more than 200,000 men, women, and children are interned in concentration death camps. (It’s always nice to find out humanity has learned from their mistakes.) In the whole history of this gulag system, only three people have ever escaped the camps. The article is an interview of one of them.

Shin Dong-hyuk was born inside Camp 14. He escaped by climbing over the dead body of his fellow conspirator. He is permanently scarred from the torture and punishments he received as a child and the unspeakable things he was required to do. Not the least of which is what inspired this blog.

When only 14 years of age he informed on his mother and brother who were planning on escaping the camp and they were executed as a result. Camp officials had made it very clear that all conspirators and any connected with them will die. Shin was only trying to save his own skin at the cost of his family. He was still tortured after watching his family executed, but at least he was alive.

When human beings are placed in an atmosphere of self-preservation at the cost of all else, they lack the natural affection most of us take for granted. Shin said he didn’t understand family in the normal sense. Emotion and attachments could only be a liability in such a place where people died every day.

This type of carefully controlled environment reminded me of something—life within the Watchtower Society. Jehovah’s Witnesses are taught to inform on one another “to keep the congregation clean.” They are told Jehovah will hold them responsible if they do not report the sins of one another and to be complicit brings the same death penalty as the sin.

This creates an atmosphere not unlike what Russia endured during the Cold War. Nobody truly trusts anybody else. Most relationships in that “loving organization” are two-dimensional at best. I can relate countless experiences in which I was “called in the back room” by the elders and asked about a situation that I was shocked they knew anything about. Private conversations, harmless get-togethers, choices of entertainment, and Facebook statuses were all things to be reported and used against those who were connected to it.

Shin was tortured because his mother and brother planned to flee. My dad was disciplined by the elders because I told another teenager in the congregation that Dirty Dancing was a good movie. My brother was called in because I read gothic romance and attended a pool party where there was underage drinking. No, he wasn’t involved in either scenario.  A local needs (which is an opportunity for elders to publicly humiliate someone in the congregation by discussing their sin from the stage)  was given in which my family was criticized for getting in an ice fight in a vacant cafeteria of the hospital—days before my mother died there. Only three people were there that day: my brother, my friend, and I. Who told?

I think you get my point. Anytime an organization/country creates an atmosphere of suspicion and snitching they undermine relationships. There are members of that religion that have not only turned in family members for discipline and ultimate death, but then turn their backs on them and never speak to them again because that is what the Watchtower requires! Nobody can trust anyone and family and friends pay the price as close connections cease to exist. The “loving brotherhood” is cold, calculating, and distant as everything is sacrificed for advancement within “Jehovah’s organization.”

Rules must be followed! To ignore the law of God’s only earthly organization is to fall into disfavor and die at Armageddon. Or worse, be disfellowshipped and exist in a purgatory of isolation and fear of inevitable destruction.

North Korea isn’t the only one with a gulag system. Jehovah’s Witnesses have created their own pseudo-gulag system and millions have paid the price with their families and their lives.

Source:

http://www.foxnews.com/world/2012/04/13/inside-north-korea-concentration-camp/

A friend recently recommended to me the film Agora (2009). I had a hard time getting into it at first, but I am glad I persevered to the end. Set in Alexandria, Egypt in the fourth century, it tells the true story of female philosopher and mathematician Hypatia (played by Rachel Weisz). Hypatia had the misfortune to live in a world in which Christianity was quickly becoming the dominant religion due to Emperor Constantine’s conversion. Egypt was a Roman province at the time and Alexandria was a gem in Rome’s crown. Philosophy, schools of thought, astronomy, polytheism, and paganism were widespread in the important maritime port of Alexandria until Constantine issued some edicts that quickly brought about some changes.

I had never heard of Hypatia, which is not surprising considering much of my education was based upon first century Christianity and important men of the past. I was surprised to learn this woman actually lived, but it only reaffirms what I have been learning about the surprisingly equal treatment women received within pagan many communities.

The first thing I noticed in the film was that many of the early converts to Christianity were slaves and peasants. They despised higher learning and had no problem condemning all who thought differently from them. It reminded me of the modern tendency for conversion among the lower socio-economic classes. I noticed it as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Many of the people who would study and convert were typically people whose lifestyle wasn’t ideal. In fact the JW’s would call the preaching work a search for those “who are sighing and groaning over all the detestable things” (Ezekial 9:4). Who but the uneducated and impoverished would look for answers outside themselves and cheerfully anticipate the demise of everyone “better-off”?

Finally we get to the root of the reason women have endured two thousand years of suppression. One particularly murderous, Christian fanatic gets up and reads from Paul’s letter to Timothy:

“Let women learn in silence with full submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach, or to exercise authority over a man, but to be in silence.”  (1 Timothy 2:11, 12)

Hypatia, an independent, learned woman, has earned the hatred of the misogynistic faith. As friends try to encourage her to convert she accuses them of “peddling faith,” forcing public baptism in exchange for permitting such ones to keep living. Then she tells a former student:

“Synesius, you don’t question what you believe. You cannot. I must.”

I was floored. I felt like the movie was written for Jehovah’s Witnesses, but I realize that all Christianity at the time believed counter-points a sin. That’s why Galileo was forced to recant his findings that the earth revolved around the sun and people were burned at the stake for even reading the Bible.

When I was a JW, I developed a healthy hatred of Christianity—or I should say ‘Christendom’ because that is how JW’s differentiate themselves from the rest of the rabble. I hated the arrogance and the narrow-mindedness, the judgment and the willingness to kill, or rejoice in misfortune; all in the name of god (I do not capitalize that word intentionally). It sickens me to realize that I was a part of a faith that still practiced the kind of religion that brought about the Dark Ages.

After Hyspatia utters the words above, her Christian friend continues to plead with her to convert and save herself:

“If you don’t agree, I won’t be able to protect you any longer. I won’t be able to have dealings with you or even greet you.”

Wow! That sounds familiar. So, in the early days of Christianity when they were killing and torturing all dissenters, they practiced shunning—just like Jehovah’s Witnesses do today—robbing people of their freedom to live their life as they choose just as Hyspatia simply wanted to be left  to her philosophy and astronomy.

Where would our world be if Christianity had never been allowed to take power?  Carl Sagan once wrote that, if not for the descent of the religious dark ages that crushed rational inquiry and stifled human progress, we might have reached the stars hundreds of years ago. We have lost so much thanks to religion in general, and women are still fighting for equal rights thousands of years later. This Christian nation still feels it is their right to govern a woman’s choices regarding her own body. I firmly believe our race and culture will not evolve to the next stage until it realizes the stupidity inherent in religion. Until we rid ourselves of the thinking that still resides in the dark ages. As individuals, we should long for the peace and prosperity of the human race and withdraw from systems of beliefs that only anticipate mass destruction!

…and so it is done–finally. The announcement was made last night that I am no longer one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. No truer words have been said from that stage. I wasn’t there. I didn’t hear it. But I was informed that was when the announcement would be made, so I am acting upon that assumption. I have been feeling kind of depressed for the last week or so. Yesterday afternoon I felt like I was having a panic attack. But a pitcher of McMenamin’s IPA took the edge of.

Last weekend I had cleaned out the closet and pulled out the last of our Watchtower Society books, magazines, and brochures. I decided a nice little ritual burning was in order. So, last night, during the time I estimated the announcement would be made, I had a ritual. Roy piled all the books and magazines in our outdoor fire pit, I cast a witches circle, and we lit them on fire. I said a few choice words–whatever I felt ‘moved by the spirit’ to utter.

I kept out a copy of a 1980 Watchtower I had possessed as a child. It had my name written on the outside cover, and my scribbles all over it. I remember the endless hours of meetings where I would scribble and draw. I could survive the boredom as long as I had a writing instrument and something to write on. Fortunately, my father wasn’t one of those parents who banned their kids from writing in any of the literature. I burned that old Watchtower separately as representative of my childhood enslaved by the organization.

After the fire burned down, and I officially ended the ritual, Roy and Trevor went indoors and I stayed outside burning sage and circling the fire pit. I spoke from the heart, and even cried a little, then I looked up at the full moon and reflected on the blessings I have now–Freedom from fear and judgment; Freedom to live my life without always checking in to make sure my choices were permissible; A life filled with love for my fellow humans and optimism rather than negativity; A future I look forward to and can work towards rather than putting my life on hold for a nebulous promise that keeps fading into the distance. Life is a blessing. Humankind is worthy of life. I no longer look at people as potential bird-bait, but as fellow sharers in this remarkable planet.

I don’t know if I would have been able to do it without the internet and social networking. I wonder how people managed before these wonderful tools. I understand why the internet is such a danger to high control groups such as the Watchtower Society. The reason they disfellowship is so members will return out of desperation due to excessive loneliness. In a recent Watchtower (April 2012) Paragraph 17 on page 12 explains the significance behind this practice:

17 “Consider just one example of the
good that can come when a family loyally
upholds Jehovah’s decree not to associate
with disfellowshipped relatives. A
young man had been disfellowshipped
for over ten years, during which time his
father, mother, and four brothers “quit
mixing in company” with him. At times,
he tried to involve himself in their activities,
but to their credit, each member
of the family was steadfast in not
having any contact with him. After he
was reinstated, he said that he always
missed the association with his family,
especially at night when he was alone.
But, he admitted, had the family associated
with him even a little, that small
dose would have satisfied him. However,
because he did not receive even
the slightest communication from any
of his family, the burning desire to be
with them became one motivating factor
in his restoring his relationship with
Jehovah. Think of that if you are ever
tempted to violate God’s command not
to associate with your disfellowshipped
relatives.” (Watchtower)

Social media has removed such isolation and such ones can easily find others just like them, sometimes in their area. And whenever doubts and fears arise due to years of indoctrination, these are the ones who can strengthen us. So let me use this opportunity to thank all of you for your support on my journey and offer my assistance to anyone who needs it. Cheers fellow free-thinkers!

I just watched the Tree of Life with Brad Pitt and Sean Penn. It was very poignant and has left me rather melancholy. I felt like I was watching my life: authoritarian father, 3 siblings, loving mother. I remember how we would feel happier and more relaxed when dad was gone and how we would all toe-the-line when he was there. I even remember him telling one of my brothers to stop talking unless he could say something that actually improved upon the silence. To say something like that to a child only shuts down any enthusiasm or expression. As an adult, I could never figure out why talking to him was so difficult. But most everything that was said was criticized unless it bore directly upon religion. “Let’s talk about something a little more theocratic,” “Don’t say that. How do you think Jehovah feels when he hears you talk like that?” He wouldn’t just do it to us, either. I heard him tell other people, even adults, to talk about more ‘theocratic’ subjects.

In The Tree of Life, Brad Pitt, who plays the authoritarian father, talks about how he had wanted more out of life and was ashamed at how little his life really meant.  I know life wasn’t great for my father. He was extremely intelligent and excelled at school. He became one of Jehovah’s Witnesses when he was in pre-med. He dropped out because Armageddon was ‘just around the corner.’ He spent the rest of his life not using his intellect but working at dead-end jobs at the local saw-mill. His wife was an invalid and he had to raise three kids in a religion that kept kicking him in the nuts–metaphorically. Every time he would ask to be used in the congregation so he could exercise his intellect he was told he was too smart and he needed to stop being so arrogant. He never missed a meeting, assembly, or service. He read and studied all the endlessly redundant drivel the Society printed. Then he would obsessively try to fit into the mold of mediocrity the local elders required. He pounded this subservience into all our heads. It didn’t matter what personalities we might have, we needed to subject them to “God’s organization.” We needed to conform.

We learned this lesson so well, at 39 I am just now figuring out who I am–my older brothers haven’t been so lucky. I don’t know if they will ever be able to break the mold they have squeezed themselves into.  That’s what makes religion so reprehensible. It convinces people the prison is comfortable and necessary. It reminds me of a story I read while living in Northern California. Some years ago, a young girl was taken captive by some people who kept her in a box under their bed. They manipulated her so thoroughly she didn’t think she deserved any better. At some point, she was actually allowed to go get a job and every evening she would return to her box, handing her paycheck over to her captors. That is what some religions are like. They undermine a person’s sense of self to such a degree most people will endure unspeakable things in the name of God.

I don’t blame my father for teaching us to be doormats. He was doing what he thought he needed to. After all, it meant our everlasting lives. I remember reading an article in the Kingdom Ministry–which was a monthly bulletin only for JW’s–it was from the late 60′s and it instructed parents to not allow their children to go out socializing when they should be focused on serving Jehovah since ‘the end was so close.’ Parents everywhere did what they thought was right and raised a whole generation of kids in ascetic environments. Now, a great deal of that generation is waking up. They are middle-aged and their parents are dying. It has become clear that Armageddon has been “just around the corner” for almost 100 years. Jehovah’s Witnesses have no idea what they are talking about. My generation is slowly taking off the blinders. A lifetime under the strangle-hold of organized religion has created an interesting demographic. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” and those who have survived the WTS are no exception. I have witnessed attitudes ranging from complacency to extreme courage. Some are angry, some are apologetic; some are born-again Christians, some are atheists; some carry the fear of eternal destruction with them, some have experienced a freedom from fear they never thought possible.

The Tree of Life never said what happened to one of the boys who died at nineteen, but it seems pretty clear he must have killed himself. The movie paints the picture of a boy with deep sensitivities. Sadly, some are affected in the same way when they leave the JW’s and cannot get past the damaging effects upon their minds. I don’t know if we will ever fully understand the magnitude of the damage caused by such mind control. I can only hope that the internet can help such ones realize they are not alone and they have nothing to fear.

My wish is that many more become like me and cast off the bindings of controlling, authoritarian religion. I want such ones to realize the joy of thinking for themselves and abandon the flawed course of their parents.

It has been a few weeks since my post, “Free At Last.” As far as I know, there has been no announcement–which is rather anti-climactic in my opinion. Somebody told me they only disfellowship someone they view as a danger to the congregation. Am I a danger? I sure as hell hope so!

Different ones from that religion may claim I am being disloyal; biting the hand that fed me; beating my fellow slave; even turning my back on the loving arrangement of Jehovah’s deluded sheep. I would ask them what that religion did for me that compensates for what I gave it. Thirty eight years of faithful service; thousands of hours in door-to-door humiliation; thousands of dollars in donations, vehicle upkeep, and gas; the best years of my life; a career; an education; my mental health—who puts a price on that? So who owes whom?

I remember in the Bible book of Exodus, when the Israelites were leaving Egyptian bondage they looted the Egyptians and took away a great deal of gold and jewelry. Was that stealing? No, the Egyptians had no right to enslave them so they owed the Israelites back pay. Well, the Watchtower Society owes me back pay and should be forced to pay for my psychological counseling in freeing myself from their mind-control. I want my youth back so I can make different decisions. I entered into a contract with the JW’s when I was 15. Such a contract is not binding. The steps I take now are in direct response to their continued need to try to control my life and thinking.

This blog was recently discovered by an old JW-friend. I hope he has enjoyed what he has read. One thing I find interesting is that the greatest sin he focused on was my celebrating of Christmas. I’m a practicing witch, and an apostate (by his reckoning) yet it was far worse that I would erect a Christmas tree in my house and exchange presents with my loved ones for the first time in my life. Does that sound like twisted reasoning? Does that sound like the Pharisaical tendency to ‘strain out the gnat and gulp down the camel’? (Matthew 23:24)But then, they are all Pharisees aren’t they? That is the whole idea of this blog:

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! Because you resemble white-washed graves, which outwardly indeed appear beautiful but inside are full of dead men’s bones and of every sort of uncleanness. In that way you also, outwardly indeed, appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.” (Matthew 23:27,28)

Be careful who you judge. Make sure they don’t know too much about you and your penchant for apostate websites and pornography. And as to what my husband may or may not be ‘allowing to transpire in his home’—why don’t you join the 21^st century. Women even have the right to vote now.

I have been thrust from obscurity into the glaring light of public censorship. Maybe this is a good time to point out that I wasn’t being as obscure as I hoped I was. I have a tendency to think most people don’t pay attention, or care, and this has proven to be grossly negligent on my part. When I began writing this blog it was specifically for the purpose of exploring my spiritual revolution. I kept it separate from my other blog and my Facebook account and even wrote it under a pseudonym. In recent weeks I have become less careful.

A couple of months ago, I was talking to an old friend who still subscribes to the tenets of my old belief. She asked if it was true that I was calling myself an apostate and Wiccan. She said everyone was asking her and rumors were rampant. This proved my earlier point–I had underestimated how many people actually were paying attention. So I admitted it to her. Last week I received a visit from an elder–only one–asking me if it is true I was posting things on Facebook regarding Wicca. Perhaps now would be a good time to mention that I thought I had insured my privacy settings were set too high for any probing eyes. Once again, I was wrong. So I decided to come out of the proverbial broom closet and admit my witchy-ways. He begged me not to be so reckless and warned me of ruining my relationship with Jehovah. This surprised me. It seemed common sense that if I was becoming a witch it should be obvious that the opinion of Jehovah, or any other Christian god for that matter, doesn’t matter to me. So he asked if a couple more elders could come for a visit and share some scriptures with me. I have read the bible so many times I know it inside and out–I told him I didn’t think there was anything he could tell me that I didn’t already know and hadn’t already discounted.

Then he saw the pentacle around my neck and almost gave himself a hernia trying to get out my front door, which has a tendency to stick in winter weather. I actually laughed at him. Once he was safely on the outside of my house where no goulies or demons could get him, he turned and asked if I was in fact denying any assistance from the congregation. I said I was. Then he asked if I was determined to continue my wayward course. I said I was.

For those of you who don’t know, this means I am disfellowshipped. A public announcement is made at the next meeting and all obedient Jehovah’s Witnesses will not only stop associating with me, they will pretend I don’t exist. It’s like what happened to Ayla in Clan of the Cave  Bear when she was banished from the clan. In their minds, I am as good as dead. Initially, I was upset because I had committed the unforgivable sin. Everyone I had ever known and cared about would be grieved by my rebellious choice. By the next day, I felt incredible gratitude! I would not have taken this step on my own and it needed to be taken. I was limiting myself far too much out of fear of this exact thing. Now I have nothing to fear and I can choose to do what I want. I feel the same basic freedom as I did in El Salvador when I had everything stolen from me and had nothing left to lose.

A year ago, when I left the JW’s, I felt like the world lay before me and my options were unlimited. In recent months, I have experienced a feeling of floating. I’m not sure what the next step is and it is frustrating. The day after the elder came for a visit, a door opened and now I know where my path lies. I have used the word ‘gratitude’ more in the last 10 days than I have in my entire life, and it was brought on by the very thing I was taught to fear above all else–alienation from Jehovah and his earthly organization. I had hoped the elders would call to tell me when the announcement was going to occur just so I could thank them for setting me free, but that hasn’t happened. I guess it’s possible it could happen this week, but I kind of think it was made last week.

I think my greatest regret in all this is that none of the people who I used to care for will understand why I did it. They won’t know how miserable and neurotic I was under the tyranny of the Watchtower Society. They won’t understand my study of Wicca is to regain my power as a woman after a lifetime of humiliation by men in leadership positions. They will be unaware of just how happy and empowered I feel and how they could experience the same thing if they just chose to.

I wrote a poem in recognition of this. It’s a Shakespearean sonnet and it isn’t great but it expresses my feelings:

Free At Last—a sonnet

Praying for apocalypse day and night

Calling the birds to feast upon the slain

This world and its character gone from sight

“The meek shall inherit the earth,” is their refrain.

These do not grasp the darkness of their dream

“We are God’s happy people,” they insist.

Tired, tortured eyes betray souls that scream

Rot and ruin corrupt their very midst.

“Do not question, do not doubt. Believe all!

Hide who you are out of fear of God’s wrath.”

God is not the judge—they heed their own call

Knocking all sinners who stray from the path.

Their threats are empty, their vengeance is scant

Away bondage! “Free at last,” I incant.

December 2, 2011 marked the one year anniversary of my last visit to the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses. It was my father’s funeral and I knew when I crossed its threshold it would be the last time–unless someone else died. Over the last year I have had a lot of firsts: first cigar, first gamble, first birthday, first Halloween, and now I have my first Christmas tree up.

There is one first I didn’t count on however: first time fear has not ruled my life. I didn’t expect this collateral benefit. As a JW I was always told the world outside the Watchtower organization felt fear but those within the organization were free from fear. Supposedly, the world feared death, disease, Armageddon, God’s wrath, etc. Jehovah’s Witnesses knew what happens at death and that as long as they did what God–and the Watchtower–require they had no need to fear Armageddon or God’s wrath.

Yet, I remember having a dream when I was 5 years old that I was standing in a valley of skeletons–much like Ezekial’s vision of the Valley of Bones–and the names of each person was written on each skull’s forehead. I sorted through the piles looking for my best friends at the time: Jason and Eric. They lived next door and we would play Star Wars and Wizard of Oz. I finally found them, in my dream, two small skeletons with their names written on their skulls.

I remember having a dream when I was a teenager that I was standing at the threshold of Armageddon and an invisible entity was calling the names of those who would not cross-over, but die eternally. I remember the dread that I hadn’t been faithful enough and would die as a result, never to see my family and friends again. That dream spurred me on to be a more faithful Witness through all of my 20′s–until my soul withered away within myself.

I now find I do not fear flying. I don’t fear death, disease, or accident. I don’t fear violent crime or disaster. Life has become an adventure to take one day at a time without worrying about the future. I feel a measure of contentment I haven’t felt…well, ever. According to JW doctrine I should be living in morbid fear of my eventual destruction at Armageddon, but instead I feel happiness. The kind of happiness that comes with the knowledge that every choice is mine to make.

The children of JW’s have a lot to fear. They hear, from birth, how evil the world is. They hear how Satan and his demons are just waiting to devour them like a hungry lion. They see terrifying images of Armageddon, with people running screaming or dying in terror. Children are not protected from these images, but all the more exposed to them to scare them into submission. And it works, most of time, until the person realizes obedience is a worse kind of death than total obliteration at the hands of God.

In a recent book released by the Watchtower Society, “Learn from the Great Teacher”, is perhaps the scariest picture of Armageddon I have ever seen the Watchtower publish. This is a book for children. Why would they publish something like that unless they are trying to instill fear. The picture is the one you see above this article.

Am I an isolated case? No, many people have reported growing up with nightmares of Armageddon. Some deal with it differently, though. Please watch the video below to see the tragic effects of cult fear tactics.

I have been a fan of Glee from its first episode. I love music and musicals! They remind me of my childhood when my mother and father introduced me to all the classics: Oklahoma, Sound of Music, Singing in the Rain, Showboat, etc. As the series has gone on though my favors have fallen upon the one character who could be considered the antichrist to the gleeful Glee-leeans: coach Sue Sylvester. I love her acerbic wit and cynical way of looking at everything. I worried last season when her sister died that she was going to go all soft. Happily this weeks episode shows her in all her caustic finery! She is sitting in her office addressing Kurt, Artie (the guy in the wheel chair), and Kurt’s boyfriend (whose name is escaping me):

Sue Sylvester: Wheel, porcelain, other gay–the Yuletide is upon us and everyone knows that Christmas is a time for forgiveness. So, I have decided to forgive you for having no talent and ruining the American songbook one mash-up at a time. I’ve also forgiven you for forcing me to run  in and promptly lose a humiliating state-wide election.

Artie: We…accept your forgiveness.

Sue Sylvester: Now Christmas isn’t just the time when Jewish kids get slightly uncomfortable and dwarves get jobs as Santa’s helpers in demeaning non-union commercials that make them quietly die inside. No, Christmas is also the time to give back, which is why this Friday I’m volunteering at the Lima Homeless Shelter and I thought maybe you Glee-clubbers might want to pitch in by giving the gift of song.

Kurt: Coach Sylvester I’ve heard you say on several occasions that you don’t believe in homelessness.

Artie: You said you considered homeless people urban campers.

Coach Sylvester- May I be honest with you stumbles, gelfling, and young Burt Reynolds? I lost my sister this past year. This will be my first Christmas without her, and honestly I’m just trying to keep myself occupied. I had plans to shoot reindeer from my helicopter with Sarah Palin but she cancelled. Apparently, Todd gets fussy when she misses his ballet recitals.

Kurt-We’d be happy to help.

Coach Sylvester- Oh, that’s fantastic! And now in the spirit of Christmas get the hell out of my office.

Ahhh, Sue Sylvester–she adds that little dash of evil to a show that would otherwise raise the scale of diabetes in this country simply for its over-the-top sweetness aspect.

In thinking about Glee I am reminded of this weeks Community. In which the obnoxiously chipper Glee club is forced out due to copyright laws and our gang has to fill in. As a former Jehovah’s Witness I loved Troy’s acknowledgement of how JW’s spend Christmas. When asked what he would be doing for Christmas he said:

“I’m spending Christmas with my family. Actually, I’ll be spending the day with my family while we try to ignore the fact that the rest of the world is celebrating Christmas.”

That pretty much nails it. JW’s hate this time of year because they are inconvenienced by the Christmas-y spirit and all the shoppers. Oh, they will tell you they don’t like Christmas and find its blatant commercialism as anti-christ as the holidays come, but it is all a cover to conceal the fact that many of them have never celebrated Christmas and have no idea what they are missing. They don’t have fond memories as children of opening presents Christmas morning and watching the annual Christmas cartoons. They don’t know what it is like to think about people in the loving manner that is required when one considers gift choices. As a matter of fact, without holidays and birthdays, most JW’s aren’t very good at giving gifts or knowing how one goes about it. I was almost 30 before I wrapped my first present, and I actually gave up and bought a bag with tissue paper because I couldn’t figure out how to wrap. I wouldn’t wrap another present for years.

This is my first Christmas. I have a tree, and lights, and presents, and stockings, and a Yule log. I have loved shopping for it, and planning for it, and sending out cards, and getting in the spirit of it. What is the spirit? When I was a JW all I saw was the spirit of selfish gain. That is what I chose to focus on because I was jealous, I think. Now I see brotherhood, kindness, unselfishness, and love all around me. It’s nice to share in it, for once, rather than call it sour-grapes.

As the anniversary of my father’s death approaches (Nov. 24th) I am reminded that it has been one year since the death of my childhood faith. The last time I set foot inside a Kingdom Hall was for my father’s funeral–and I knew at the time it would be my last visit. As I greeted familiar faces I had known my whole life I felt sadness at the divergent path I was about to embark on. I can’t think of a better way to say goodbye to everyone who had ever mattered than as they were sharing the grieving process with me.

That is not why I am writing this blog, however. I am here to do a book review. You see, in the year since I decided I no longer wanted to be one of Jehovah’s Witnesses I have made a concerted effort to educate myself–my own personal Exit Counseling. I worked through the anger and resentment by sharing my feelings with others who felt the same. I read ex-JW literature, attended ex-JW forums, and studied the development of religion from a sociological perspective. These are the things I needed to undo the indoctrination of a lifetime.

After about six months or so I started to get on with my life–or at least I tried to. A few months is not enough time to deprogram a mind injected with 37 years of programming. In recent months I have been ricocheting from feelings of severe depression to claustrophobia. I feel like my life is floating in limbo and I need to do something diametrically different from what I have been doing. I have lost my zeal for college and even the desire to maintain relationships. I want to cut them all loose and I keep having dreams that I am killing my passion or walking on the edge of disaster, or even trapped inside a Kingdom Hall with no exits. Then something happened a few days ago that made me realize I still had not recovered. After posting someone’s parody of a Watchtower victim awaiting Armageddon, a disfellowshipped ‘friend’ unfriended me–but not before telling me that my “blatant apostasy was pissing [him] off.” My heart started to pound so hard I could hear it reverberating in my ears. I started to shake and felt overwhelming fear. This had happened after awaking that same day from nightmares of being forced to go out in the door-to-door ministry–and only days after having two JW friends try to “talk some sense into me.” My life came crumbling down around me. What was I doing? Had I just made a huge mistake? Was I going to get disfellowshipped? What if I ever wanted to go back?

I panicked. I actually changed my name on Facebook and made my account as impermeable to curious outsiders as I could. Some new ex-JW friends on Facebook were able to calm me down, but I realized something: It didn’t take much for the old programming to begin playing its familiar tune. So today I decided to take the time to finish a book I started months ago–“Combatting Cult Mind Control” by Steve Hassan. This book recounts Steve’s own experience being indoctrinated by the Moonies and his eventual escape. He goes on to become an exit counselor for others in need of escape from cult control. The book contains his observations of why some cults are so successful as well as how to overcome their programming. On page 41 and 42 he says:

“They indoctrinate members to show only the best sides of the organization. Members are taught to suppress any negative feelings they have about the group and always show a continually smiling, ‘happy’ face…(pg 42)It was always amazing to me to realize how many people in this category told us they had just been praying to God to show them what He wanted them to do with their lives. Many believed they were ‘spiritually’ led to meet one of our members…members regard themselves as ‘fishers of men’…They reinvest a great part of their capital back into recruiting new members…The average person doesn’t stand much of a chance. “

Was he talking about Jehovah’s Witnesses here? Nope. He was relating his experiences with the Moonies, but he could have been talking about the JW’s. I don’t remember Mr. Hassan mentioning Jehovah’s Witnesses at all in the book. He didn’t have to. Every description matched their techniques precisely.

Mr. Hassan goes on to relate successful and failed attempts at exit counseling from a plethora of different cults. On page 167 he sums up his own feelings as a recovered cult victim:

“I left when I realized that deception and mind control can never be part of any legitimate spiritual movement: that through their use, the group had created a virtual ‘Hell on Earth,’ a kingdom of slaves. Once I was able to realize that even though I wanted to believe it was true [paradise earth/resurrection] my belief didn’t make it true. I saw that even if I remained in the group for another fifty years, the fantasy I was sacrificing myself for would never come true.” (italics my application)

He goes on to relate how people actually change personality while under the influence of cults. A study was conducted in 1982 in which a respected psychologist used the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator to test cult members. He had them answer questions based upon who they were before the cult influence and again after. A marked difference was noted between their pre-cult personalities and their peri-cult personalities. Whatever they had been before, most shifted to sensor-judger dominant (Hassan, 191). I found this interesting since I had done my own informal poll regarding types of personalities that left the JW’s and when. I had found that intuitive judgers usually left in their late teens-early twenties. Whereas, intuitive perceivers held on longer and didn’t leave until well into adulthood. This isn’t to say that sensors don’t leave cults, but it may be harder for them and might stem from emotional trauma. (These are my observations based upon a limited pool of participants.)

Steve Hassan summarized his book with the observation that:

“If people come to believe that someone else knows better than they what is best to do, they can be in real danger…We have free will and should never abandon our personal responsibility for making good choices.” (Hassan, 195)

I found Hassan’s book to perfectly address my emotional issues. He described my feeling of “floating” as the mind trying to reevaluate the world without the lenses of mind control I had been wearing. In a carefully controlled environment, information and thought are carefully mastered to always be in line with the group-think. Imagine a lifetime of controlling every word,  and every thought, that didn’t agree with the prime directive. Once one leaves that tight control, they must learn to think again. I still ask myself when things go wrong if I have displeased God. My emotional issues of late could be attributed to separation from the “truth”–at least that is how believers would interpret it. Thankfully I have done enough personal research that I can dismiss such thoughts immediately, but many don’t do the research. They are either too lazy, or too afraid, or cannot think clearly due to years of reading the same literature. Some of these may actually go back because they never stopped believing.

I realize now that, just as one has good days and bad days while grieving, I will have bad days as I grieve the loss of my faith. The most important thing is that I recognize these unconscious messages and replace them with conscious discernment. As the poet William Blake wrote: “I must Create a system, or be enslav’d by another Man’s.” (Hassan, 196)

Hassan, Steve. “Combatting Cult Mind Control.” Park Street Press, Vermont, 1988.

Most adherents to apocalyptic faiths have a different reaction to rising crime, poverty, and disease. As these things increase in frequency, such ones rejoice. How can they rejoice, you might ask. Because such things were prophesied as the sign of Christ’s coming and/or presence:

“Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom; 
 and there will be great earthquakes, and in one place after 
another pestilences and food shortages; and there will be fearful 
sights and from heaven great signs." (Luke 21:10, 11)
But as these things start to occur, raise yourselves erect and 
lift YOUR heads up, because YOUR deliverance is getting near.” 
(Luke 21:28)

Such ones are so eager for the destruction of this earth (and 99% of life upon it), that they practice confirmation bias. They see only what they want to see and hear only what confirms their bias. All else is dismissed, and in many cases, not even heard. Yes, I have seen it:

ME: “Did you hear that? They said crime is down.”

CONFIRMATION BIAS: “No, they didn’t. Didn’t you hear of that shooting in a nearby town?”

You see? Such ones will always hear what validates their deeply held biases and ignore everything else. It reminds me of a conversation I had with an old friend when I decided to stop serving as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. She looked straight at me and said, “But, the end is so close. You can see how bad things are getting. It’s everywhere. How can you want to leave now?” I remember just looking at her sadly. All I wanted to say was, “The world isn’t as bad as you think. There are good people and great things being done every day. Stop looking for the bad and you will see the good.” Did I say that? No. I remember being in her shoes and no matter what anyone said to me if it did not fit within my carefully constructed network of beliefs I didn’t hear it.

So what is the point of this blog? To show you that things aren’t getting worse, but are, in some cases, actually getting better. Check out these charts and graphs on the numbers of earthquakes over the last 40 years. Does it look like they’ve been increasing?

http://www.johnstonsarchive.net/other/quake1.html

And this recent article in Time magazine about the drop in crime over the last 20 years:

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1963761,00.html

So, will these documented articles matter to doomsdayers? Not likely, because of this scripture:

For YOU know this first, that in the last days there will come 
ridiculers with their ridicule, proceeding according to their 
own desires and saying: “Where is this promised presence of his? 
Why, from the day our forefathers fell asleep [in death], 
all things are continuing exactly as from creation’s beginning.”
(2 Peter 3:3, 4)

It’s a funny thing with confirmation bias for no matter what contradictory information comes their way, it gets explained away. Therefore, even science and documented evidence cannot break the crusty exterior of their faith. Why? Because many of these people have spent their lives hearing about a promised new world in which all the griefs of this life will be removed. Many have never invested in retirement or anything else, they have no health insurance and their health is declining because they never took care of themselves like they should have. “Why bother? Everything’s going to be fixed in about six months.” Armageddon was always six months to two years away. For such ones to finally admit they have been living their lives waiting for a mythological utopia would be shattering.

What can we do? Not look for the bad. See the good and contribute to it. Be a good neighbor and a conscientious citizen. Rejoice! Maybe mankind is actually evolving to a better plane.